8 August 2015

6kinds_of_crazy: stupidity demons (Default)
Feeling safe is... well, it's not something that happens often if I'm not in my home.

Safe is maybe different for me than it is for you, too.  So I suppose I should explain what I mean when I say "safe"

When I feel safe, I'm not worried that someone I don't know is going to approach me and expect me to interact with them in some way.  I don't feel that things are likely to surprise me.  No, wait, that's not right.  I don't feel like things are likely to startle me.  Surprises can be good, startlings can't, not in my world.  

As example, it surprised me, last Christmastime, when L got me a gift.  (Coolest.  Mug.  EVER! Thank you again!)  That was groovitudinal.  

It startled me when, a couple of weeks ago, someone knocked on my door at around nine in the evening.  (Lady, really; if you haven't heard from an old friend in "five or six years," maybe you should NOT come to their apartment at night?  And that you were a rather powerfully attractive lady really didn't help, despite your obvious feeling that it should. Just a thing to consider.)

Safe is when I'm likely to not be forced to deal with a stranger, a problem (or at least no problem more stressful than "holy crap, my character has about ten percent of his hitpoints left and the cleric's out of spells," which isn't a problem, just a challenge), a startling event, or any genuine hostility.

Safe happens in three places outside of my home.  No, wait-- four.  I'm safe in my car, in control and comfortable, that's the fourth one.  The other three?  My sister's house, if I'm not there when a lot of parents are there to pick up their kids (my sister babysits professionally), B's house, and L's house.  Anywhere else?  Might be a problem.  So to my sister, B, and L, I say "thank you!"  It's nice to be able to be not at my house and feel safe, because I do get tired of being in the same place all the time.

No public place is truly safe.  I do feel more safe in public places that are familiar to me.  This probably explains why I prefer to shop at the same stores, whenever possible.  Despite high turnover rates at some stores, *coughWalmartcough* I can usually count on at least three or four familiar faces, and I can usually find someone I've interacted with in the past in a non-hostile way.  Same for Aldi and Jewel (except for the high turnover rates), there's a familiarity there that leaves me able to be less than "HIGH ALERT" tense.  Usually, I'm merely... wary, I think is the best possible word for it, while in those stores.  More alert than usual-- have to be to avoid accidental or unwanted touches-- but not actually "something moved, what moved, crap, I need a wall to get my back against" alert.  (WHY are people so casual about touching people they don't know!?  That's so... invasive!)

My doctor's office is pretty safe.  I'm aware of most of his staff, and I like my doctor.  (I'm referring to my general practitioner, here.)  I'm okay with my endocrinologist's office, same deal.  I've gotten accustomed to his staff, and I like the man himself.  But, you know, I'm having a really hard time getting down to Alert Status Yellow, even in the office of the guy I'm seeing who is assessing my mental and emotional health.  It's not him, so much as it is the place.  Unfamiliar.  Odd layout.  I don't know the staff yet.  I'm having a hard time even coming close to relaxing in there. 

Safety is an increasingly precious commodity.  So for those of you who offer it, either by letting me into your space or by just being my friends, I say "thank you.  Thank you VERY MUCH."

So.  There's the second confession.  (I'm stealing that word back from the catholics, so, no, you may NOT tease me about using it.)  I don't feel safe in very damned many places at all.  I'm not sure if that one's paranoia, some part of the suspected Autism Spectrum Disorder, or just plain old fashioned WEIRDNESS.  Given that this is me we're talking about, I'm willing to bet it's some of all three.
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