If I'm going to continue with the whole honesty thing, crowds scare me. I can't see everyone, I can't track them all, and I can't be sure that I'm... safe, I suppose. That no one is going to enter my personal space, or touch me. The former upsets me, the latter can actively freak me out. More and more seriously, the touch of an "unauthorized" person upsets me. ("Authorized" people include friends and medical people. And family, so long as we aren't talking those relatives that dwell [or were raised in] the state of Alabama. They're all on the "don't touch me" list.) Thus, the proximity of an "unauthorized" person can upset me, too.
More and more, being in a crowd leaves me with the feeling that I'm going to have to just leave wherever it is that the crowd is with whatever my task in the store (the most likely place to encounter a crowd) was left undone. Not a comfortable feeling. In fact, it leaves me feeling somewhere between angry and ashamed.
Yeah, yeah, I know. "Nothing to be ashamed of." Well, despite all my best efforts, I do have enough of that despicable "machismo" garbage in my makeup that being afraid of something that other people aren't can leave me feeling ashamed. I don't like it (or particularly like admitting it, even), but it's there, and I have to acknowledge it. (Honesty. Occasionally, the habit is really annoying.)
Entering a grocery store is becoming a chore that I hate so much that I'm considering trying to do my shopping for two or more weeks at a time, maybe even a month. Tragically, I'm not really equipped with the storage space for foodstuffs to make that at all practical. So instead, I'm thinking about doing my shopping in Aldi on Wednesdays... and my Walmart shopping on Thursday nights, after gaming. Might work... I hope. (I wish Aldi was open later than eight PM, that'd make all of this easier.)
Worse than grocery shopping? My medication refills. They're all kind of staggered, and because of my insurance, I can't just get things early to get more of it at once. I often have to make a special trip to Wal-mart just for meds twice a week, and that? It can't be done late at night. The only place with a pharmacy that's open that late doesn't take my insurance at all, so... I'm stuck with things as they are.
And it's not getting better. Sure, the therapy for this hasn't started, but... I have doubts. The things that are being talked about, they just don't really sound terribly effective to me. And, after watching my mother abuse prescription meds for years, I'm horribly leery of using meds to control my issues more than I already am-- to be honest, I really don't like relying on the meds as much as I already do. More will be... problematic, I fear.
Why can't this be easy, damn it all?
Oh, well. Until something changes, I'm just going to have to deal with it, I guess. Tragically, that may well result in me being hard to deal with. Apologies in advance for that part, folks....